Encore: Y is for Yearning

Encore: Y is for Yearning with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey

Hey everybody, welcome to the A to Z have sex with me Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I’m a sex and intimacy coach and psychologist and I have spent the last 30 years helping people to create and healthy sexual relationships. We’re working our way through our erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Today. The letter is Y and Y is for yearning.

Watching people struggling through the dating scene and continually being ghosted, or results or lack thereof, fading cofina brand she has made it her mission to support individuals moving organic in partnerships that last, combining years of ethical behavior studies are unconditionally loving and non judgmental persona. She’s designed a unique approach to dating that feels completely new. She’s an ICF certified coach that specializes in helping our clients date without dating apps. So if you’re sick of swiping on faces and endless texting, to never eat up with someone, then Deena will be the right fit for you actually offers a variety of different packages and price points so she can support as many people as possible. You can find her on Instagram at Sweet Dean’s. That’s B, E, D, E and S. And website is sweepings.com. And Facebook, Deena Bianchi. And her podcast is the sweet life podcast. Welcome to the show.

Thank you so much for having me. I’m so excited. So we’re going to talk about yearning. But I will talk about dating without apps, because that’s of interest to me as well. I quite like this idea of really exploring what you mean looks like because you’re wanting and it’s a lot of people say oh well, yearning desire, right. And I’m like, I don’t see them as the same thing.

Yearning  is a feeling deep in your guts. I would say that like it’s so it’s so innate inside you, right? Like this passion, this burning, and I would say desire as well. But it’s, it’s deeper than that. It’s like this deep inside you, this feeling that just welled up that makes you want or need or feel. And it’s, it’s tangible. It’s really it’s like palpable in the air like yearning, you can see it, you can feel it, you can experience it viscerally. So I think it’s, I was so excited to be able to be on this podcast and be able to talk about that.

So it’s like a yearning, like thinking about what I yearned for. And not just sexually, but just like in business, and in friendship, and in all all aspects of my life like that yearning desire, and what that kind of looks like, for me, and that was so exciting to, to kind of get to think about that. And to play with that idea in my mind, when you’re asking me to be on this podcast for that. of level of passion and the intensity of it, is what I’m really connected to. And I mean, certainly for me, they’re just connection is really important. And I can think of times where that’s been what is the yearning, however, that connection ends up being, whatever ends up coming out of that connection, just about having that really kind of deep, intense, close, energetic connection that feels like that’s necessary, like oxygen. Which feels to me, yeah, it’s energy.

It’s like, its energy in motion, too. So it’s not, it’s like it can’t be created or destroyed. It just, it’s there, like a flow kind of tap into, right. And when you experience it, when you’re in that space, that flowspace of yearning, there’s really a lot of drives, that happens there. And I think there’s a lot of forward movement. And so it’s always kind of pulling you into whatever it is that you’re kind of yearning towards. So whether that’s to be in a successful business, or whether that’s to be in a really healthy relationship, or whatever it is that you’re kind of yearning for. There’s this like forward tug, that happened that pulls you energetically forward through that emotion and that’s that’s kind of how I attached to that feeling.

LBB: I would agree with that. And I think sometimes that’s a real positive that that kind of forward drive, therefore emotion because people get so stuck in inertia. And we’re all busy. There’s all sorts of stuff in life. There’s always more things to do or you need to pay attention to that you want to So there’s that that sense of people getting stuck in the day to day, over and over again, and having the opportunity to move to actually getting to be forward moving, be focused on something, feeling the pull, feeling. All of that being so important to just that kind of energy.  So that’s the positive for me.

But there’s also sometimes a negative, I think, where people can be pulled and not really think through what they’re being told to. Sure. So I guess the first step would always be and with anything, like you would probably say this as well as awareness, really sitting with whatever it is that you’re feeling, and, and kind of focusing on is this, is this what I want to be pulled towards? Is this what I want to be doing? Is this what I want to be feeling?

DB: Yeah, and allowing your body to tell you, yes or no, right? Awareness is a it’s so crucial. It’s important for everything. And like even giving yourself that time to sit and reflect and decide. And feel it and feel it and enjoy the feeling of it without necessarily acting on it straight away.

DB: Right. And I think people often have a lot of difficulty with that. First there were such an impulsive, like, I want it now society. The like, even just sitting with yearning, like sitting with desire sitting with like, want is incredibly powerful.

LBB: Yes, absolutely. So when you think about yearning in terms of relationship, yearning, what What is that look like for you? Like for me, personally, or for you, for for your clients, whatever you feel like?

DB: Yeah, so I mean, so for me personally, when I’m thinking about yearning for what I desire, what I’m looking for, it’s always, it’s always done kind of in a visualization process. So these are the things that I truly desire. And this is what I’m looking for, you know, emotionally and mentally and maybe physically, although there’s less of that. I’m pretty sapiosexual, like so. So for me, it’s like it’s so much more mental attraction. So I’m looking to be so mentally stimulated like I want someone who just challenges me on every single level mentally.

LBB: We’re actually five minutes from break, believe it or not. So let’s, let’s talk about that and we’re gonna we will define sapioosexual I promise.

 

This is the A to Z of sex featuring Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey We know you have questions, we welcome you to call in to 1864725792 that’s 1866472579 to feeling a bit shy. It’s okay. Dr. Lori Beth laughs to read your emails to send them to Lori Beth at Dr. Lori Beth bisbey.com. Now more of the A to Z of Sex.

LBB: Hey, everybody, welcome back just before the break. I had asked you know what yearning feels like for you. And one of the things that you mentioned, your sapiosexual and I realized that we hadn’t defined word. So  sapiosexual means that somebody is turned on by someone’s brain and intellect.

DB: Yeah, absolutely. And I didn’t actually know that there’s a word for it until this year, and I’m 31 years old. And I’ve always felt this way. And I’ve always described to people and no one has ever given me the word for it. And one of the guys I’m dating was like, oh, you know, there’s a word for that. And I was like, oh, like, I’m described. I mean, I love I love the word and I also you know, attraction really does properly begin the mind. Even if you are visually attracted. what you make of what you see is, is happening in the brain in the mind. So always, always begins there. Arousal always begins there. Yeah, I just had a tough time, like describing my physical attraction to anyone who was like, I don’t know if I’ve ever physically been attracted to someone immediately. Like it just didn’t happen. And I was always confused by that. Like, there must be something wrong with me. Why am I just not attracted to a physical type there must be some type that I’m attracted to. They just haven’t found yet. And yet, every single one of my partners has looked vastly different in appearance and I was trying to put together with a similar thread was and then occurred to me Oh, it’s because I’m so attracted to how mentally stimulated they make me and, or or just mentally engaged. They are with us. everything that’s going on, like whatever process we’re kind of going through together. So yeah, so I was really excited about that.

LBB: for me, it’s, I mean, brain is very important. They need to be intelligent. And that’s really important to me. But energy is the first thing that I, that I, that I click with, and in particular, dominant energy will, will start for me. And so I’m, well, I Well, well, people who know me, well will say that I do have a physical side. It’s a very loose physical type/. But what’s more important is the energy. So I don’t speak to the type like that. So I’ve had kind of a step kind of, oh, if it’s possible, that’s nice. Sure. Oh, it’s possible. I kind of like it like that, in that flavor. But, but otherwise, except it’s the energy that’s first and the brain. if that’s the case, then online dating doesn’t work for you.  I have been online dating, recently, I mean, okay,  my audience knows, I’m, I’m 56. Now I’ll be 57 in March. And so when I started dating, I mean, obviously, we didn’t have online dating. And I never been much of a dater, I tended to meet people, and situations. I’ve never been good at small talk. We either clicked or we didn’t typically click, we had a relationship. You know, that sort of thing. So I’ve never been a good dater, I would say, I remember doing speed dating when it came out in the 80s when I was in graduate school. And remember, a friend of mine was like, Yeah, let’s go to the speed dating. And we went to see that and we’re both in the middle of getting PhDs in clinical psychology.

And I am here with Dina Bianchi. And this is y is for yearning and we are in part three. So um, before the break, we were talking about how you should really tune into what it is that you’re yearning for, and actually spend some time with it in order to be able to mobilize and move in a direction with it. And I was saying that, you know, there there are a variety of ways that you can do that.

So what are your favorite ways to actually kind of mobilize that energy in that force?

DB: I think for me, so I meditate every day. I really just like sit and practice mindfulness, I listen to whatever thoughts are coming up. And then I kind of decide from there what thought they’d like to keep and what was that kind of like the move past. I do yoga, and just like allow my body to move whatever way that it wants to and provide kind of that release. And then I also masturbate every day and I felt like that’s actually been really kind of a powerful way for me to reconnect with myself my own wants. And just really feeling like what to me is is turning me on and what I really enjoy and what I really like and then being able to ask that of my partner or partners. And so I think just yet doing all of those things like really being present with who I am, and allowing myself time to sit and be with myself. And then being able to express it fully with others. You know, I like that because I think one of the, one of the keys is really being able to be present and that when we feel a yearning, that before, you know, allowing it to move us to be able to be present and, and fully centered in ourselves, and then to flow with the movement always brings us to a better place. And this idea of self love in all forms. So that masturbation is a time where you can actually experiment with what this yearning look like, you know, what does it feel like for me? How could somebody help me to gain that satisfaction? And if you don’t know, if you haven’t spent time trying to kind of look at what is it that’s actually turning you on? Typically, then people end up frustrated because they don’t get whatever it is. And it becomes this sort of blind hearing that goes on and on and on. That’s never fulfilled. Yeah. Or or you don’t?

LBB: Yeah, you don’t know that. You can’t ask for it. Absolutely. Oh, asking for it, I think took me a really long time. Because I was, like, I felt it was like, this is something that I’d like to experience. And not really understanding even how to put that out there. Just not just with my partner, but with other people that I would meet or talk to not even being able to express it or feeling safe to express myself. But that’s, that’s a big one. Because a huge one. I mean, I was saying this earlier today, I was talking with some people who are doing a, an event and we were talking about some of the things that I find people bring to me most often. And certainly the ability to talk about your desires, your wants, your yearnings is one of the hardest.

And one of the things that I’ve noticed is that, and I’ve said this before, if you are somebody who has unusual desires, if you’re kinky, if you’re polyamorous if there’s something that isn’t average, for whatever, then you’re more likely to have learned how to talk about it, even though it might still be hard, even though it might still be really hard for you to feel comfortable expressing yourself with no shame. And I work with people on that a lot. It’s like the first step of most of my programs is helping to identify that and get rid of it. Even if you’re in that place where you’re actually doing. You’re able to express yourself without shame. It’s it can be very difficult to to have that conversation. But if you’re kinky, because a way of knowing if you’re going to match, all right, you’re heterosexual and you’re kind of doing the normal thing and normal floats, right? You’re doing the average thing, then people don’t bother. And so what they do is, if you’re lucky, they have the safe sex talk. Otherwise, they just fall into bed. And then sex is often less than satisfying. Yeah, because it never talked about it.

DB: Right. And a lot of people have this idea in their head that they’re supposed to know. I actually listened to a dating and relationship coach some time ago, less than a year ago, remain nameless say, Well, you know, it’s the right relationship, you will flow together and it will be effortless and you won’t even have to speak. A robot my readers? That’s amazing.