D is for Dominant Revisited: In this new episode exploring dominance and being dominant, I have a conversation with my husband (and Master), TJ Scott about dominance. We explore what dominance looks like and the important skills a person who is dominant needs in order to be able to be a healthy dominant.
We start by talking about self-awareness and the need for all people engaging in authority transfer based relationships to be self-aware to raise the probability of a healthy exciting relationship. We spoke about the need for self-control before seeking to control others, the need for humility, for excellent emotional management skills.
When we talk about being dominant, we are talking about being a leader. People seeking to be in an authority transfer based dynamic with each other do best when they are in alignment. When we speak of being in alignment, we are talking about sharing the same values, goals, desires and complimentary needs. The dominant in a DS or authority transfer based dynamic is usually the person responsible for the vision and it is for the submissive (slave, bottom etc) to align with that vision, and follow their lead to enact the vision. We spoke about the responsibility this entails for both parties.
We talk about the fun part of these relationships as well as the parts that require us to hone our skills. Managing conflict, and dealing with unexpected and undesired changes in roles (for example when someone is ill or loses a job) adds additional stress to these dynamics as it does to relationships where the power dynamic is not defined. TJ makes the point that the primary difference between authority transfer based relationships and normative ones is that power dynamics, expectations and responsibilities are spelt out, defined, negotiated and agreed upon and those agreements are regularly reviewed.
Experienced dominant people set up clear guidelines for renegotiation, regular reviews and have their own separate support systems made up of peers who have similar relationship experiences. It is important to have peer support in place as these relationships look different from more normative relationships and sometimes the differences are disconcerting to people who don’t understand the nature of the dynamic.
For those wanting to explore the authority transfer part of BDSM relationships in detail and craft the relationship that works best for them, I run a 6-month group. Details of the group can be found here
If you prefer to consider your individual situation (or your situation as a couple), you can book a 30-minute session here.
Alternately, book a two hour laser coaching breakthrough session
If you prefer a self-guided course, email loribeth@drloribethbisbey for the link to the new DS in BDSM course.