Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex with me, Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I am a sex and intimacy coach and psychologist and I’ve spent the last 30 + years helping people to create hot and healthy sexual and intimate relationships. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Today the letter is D and D is for Dirty, Delicious and Drumming. Today we will range far and wide as we learn about the sexy letter d.
Joining me today to explore D and particularly drumming is Terence Scott. He has been a percussionist since 1973 and has been beating anything that might create an interesting sound or build a rhythm since then. He teaches workshops on creating a human drum circle and raises sexual energy through rhythm and percussion. We have been in an authority transfer based relationship for the past 10 years and married for the past 4 ½.
Today we are starting with how things sexy became things dirty. It appears this began when the sexual began to be thought of as immoral. This looks like it began between 400 and 1000 AD as Christianity took hold. Things became even more buttoned down during the Victorian era. In the 1590’s people spoke of dirtying someone – defiling them. This is the era where dirty became connected with morally unclean. Soon everything to do with sex could be called dirty. We have dirty words which are sexual words, and we can do dirty things – including talk dirty – which means to talk sexually to someone.
Talking dirty is using explicit words to heighten sexual arousal. People talk dirty most often at two times: When they are separated from each other in order to enjoy each other as much as they can from the distance and during sex.
Talking dirty during sex can take the form of describing what your partner is doing, begging for something, describing your partner’s body, calling your partner names (like slut, bitch), complimenting your partner. It can also take the form of telling your partner a story about what you might like to do with them – or what you have done with someone else – or what you want to do with someone else.
Julie wrote in to ask how she can learn to talk dirty without feeling so self-conscious. Babe do you have any advice? Julie, don’t try to be someone you are not – don’t force yourself or try to sound sexy. Start with describing how your lover is making your feel or if you are separate from each other, what you want from your lover. Take the time to feel it in your body as you talk.
Rex wrote in and asked how he can be sure he doesn’t say the wrong thing when talking dirty to his partner. Rex, the best way to make sure of this is to talk about what words or phrases are off limits before talking dirty. For example, racial and cultural words and insults may well be off limits so it is best to avoid them.
D is for Delicious… delicious sex can be languid slow sex that ignites a slow burn to become a conflagration. Delicious sex can refer to oral sex. Lots of people think of oral sex as simply giving a blow job or eating pussy. Oral sex can (and I would say often should) be full body. Licking, kissing and nibbling your lover from top to toe and back again is incredibly hot. Taking your time tasting your partner everywhere – noticing the different smells and flavours and textures on your tongue.
A survey says that women think about food 54% more of the time than of sex. So how can we increase the thoughts of sex? Make it delicious. Why not make yourself or your lover dessert? High quality chocolate sauce, whipped cream and sweet fruit …
Top 10 oral sex tips for men
1 Find a position that is good for you both. This will allow you to spend longer focused on the sex.
2 Be enthusiastic. The best dick sucking is when you really crave the dick you are sucking. So is the best pussy eating.
3 Be present
4 Make eye contact
5 Vary your stroke – try licking, sucking, nibbling (with permission).
6 Find out what he likes best and then do it!
7 Work on that gag reflex and learn how to open your throat wider. Some people recommend faking a yawn. Apparently wrapping the fingers of your left hand around your left thumb will eliminate the gag reflex.
8 Take your time. This is not something to rush. Explore!
9 Don’t forget the balls, the perineum and the ass – if he will let you, the prostate.
10 Use your hands.
Top 10 tips for oral sex for women
1. Learn her anatomy! Find the clitoris!
2. Keep your tongue loose so you don’t cramp and make sure to loosen your jaw.
3. Breathe in through your mouth and out through your nose – circular breathing works really well too.
4. Discover her g spot while you are going down on her – come hither finger motion inside the vagina will often do this.
5. Keep doing what is working!
6. Take your time and explore her – explore strokes and timing.
7. Play with temperature and texture (use champagne bubbles or an ice cube)
8. Be enthusiastic!
9. Sucking and licking…
10. Use your hands
Drumming, rhythm, drum circle
We spent the last part of the show talking about using your partner as a drum and creating a human drum circle. We talked about the energy play and the impact play aspects and spoke about how much fun this could be as well as how intensely spiritual it could be.
To get in touch with Terence Scott
Thanks for listening today. If you have more questions, email me at email@example.com. If you have an idea for the show please send it in! Are you interested in learning more about the DS in BDSM? Do you want to learn about power exchange? My in depth course is on sale now. It covers everything from working out your role to negotiating contracts, collars, to creating ritual and protocol to tips to maintain a long-term power exchange/ authority transfer relationship, energy play and even covers the intersection with polyamory.
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Join me next week when the letter will be E and E is for Erotic and Eroticism with Mistress Lucille.